• What's the difference between a dead piper in the middle of the road and a dead accordion player? The accordion player was on his way to a gig.

• The piper was called before the judge in court. "Say," said the judge, "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "That's right!" the piper said hopefully, "I gave your child bagpipe lessons!". "Ah yes," said the judge. "Twenty years!"

• A young lieutenant was in a tight spot, trapped by tribesman on India's north-west frontier. Turning to his trusty sergeant, he asked "how are we going to get out of this jam with only 12 men and a piper?". "Don'ee worry yourself" replied the sergeant, "young Jock's a very good piper".

• What do bagpipe players use for birth control? - Their personalities.

• How can you tell when bagpipes are out of tune? - Someone's blowing them.

• Why did the bagpiper get upset with the drummer?  - The drummer moved one of the drones and wouldn't tell the piper which one.

• What's the definition of a quarter tone? - A piper's drones.

• How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two - One to screw in the light bulb and one to say

1. "I can do that"

2. "how much better [insert favourite piper] would have done it"

3. which setting they would have used.

• How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two - One to throw the cord and socket over his shoulder and the other to turn the bulb for him.

• How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb? - Only two, but even if they could get in there you would still have to find a female piper.

• How do you get rid of a piper on your front door-step? Pay for the pizza.

• An elderly piper is playing while his wife watches. "How long has he been playing the pipes?" a bystander asks the wife. "Oh, about 60 years, but he spent 40 of those tuning them".

• What do a bagpipe solo and premature ejaculation have in common? - You know its imminent, but you can't stop it.

• What's the least used sentence in the English language? - "Is that the bagpiper's Porsche?"

• What's the definition of "perfect pitch"? - When you toss a set of bagpipes into the bin and they land on an accordion.

• How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? - Just one, but he'll spend two hours re-hemping the bulb and checking for leaks.

• Pipe Major: "Back to bar one." - Piper: "My part doesn't have numbers."

• How can you make a bagpiper's car more aerodynamic? - Take the Pizza Hut sign off the roof.

• How many bagpipers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five - One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

• Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?" - Neighbour: "I hope so."

• Why did they say that the piper had fingers like lightning? - They never struck the same place twice.

• In a recent newsflash it was announced that terrorists have taken 90 pipe bands hostage, and if their demands aren't met they'll release one every hour.

• How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a lightbulb? - Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him.

• Why do pipe bands tour so often? - Keeps assassins guessing.

• How many competition judges does it take to change a lightbulb? - None, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

• How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? - Put it in a bagpipe case.

• Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the bagpipes? - It saves time.

• What do the bagpipes and a lawsuit have in common? - Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

• What is the range of the bagpipes? - As far as you can kick it.

• What's the difference between the first and last rows of a pipe band? About half a bar (and a semi-tone).

• Why do pipe bands march while they play? Moving targets are harder to hit.

• How do you get a dozen bagpipers to play in tune?
  1.Shoot 11 of them.
  2.Shoot all of them.
  3.Who the hell wants a dozen bagpipers?

• A drummer and a grade IV piper were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the drummer, "I can't swim!". "Don't worry," said the piper, "just fake it."

• How many pipers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to twist the bulb for a few hours and the other to say "that's as good as it's going to get" and flip the switch.

• How many competition pipers does it take to change a light bulb? - "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fudge it!"

• A piper died and went to heaven. St Peter asked whether he played an instrument and he replied "Yes, the bagpipes". "Excellent" said St Peter, I think we have a vacancy in our pipe band. "What is God like as a Pipe Major" asked the Piper. "Not too bad" said St Peter, "although occasionally he thinks he's [insert favourite piper] ".

• A piper left his pipes in the back of his car while doing some shopping. On returning he was shocked to discover the back window smashed - and two sets of pipes in the back of the car.