Wellington Scottish Pipes and Drums

Long Piper Jokes

A guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus. After ordering a drink he announces to the pub that his octopus is very talented and can play any musical instrument anyone might care to bet $50 on. The first bar patron hands the octopus a trumpet whereupon the octopus plays a beautiful trumpet solo. The patron hands over his $50. A second patron thinks to himself that the trumpet must have been too easy so hands the octopus a violin. The octopus then plays a beautiful violin solo. The surprised patron has to hand over his $50. "Any other takers?" the octopus' owner asks. At this point Hamish McDougal hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks rather bemused and puzzled by this instrument. "Ha!", says the Scot to the octopus, "that'll be $50 since you can't play it". "Play it?", replies the octopus, "I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

An expeditionary force was making its way through the deepest darkest jungle in Africa with its native guides when the faint sound of drums was heard reverberating around the distant hills. The guides shivered and looked uncomfortable, but the head guide assured the party that nothing was wrong. On the second day the drums grew louder and the natives were very agitated, but still the head guide assured the party that nothing was wrong. But on the third day the drums grew even louder to an ear-shattering intensity and the guides were panicking. Suddenly the drums stopped and the guides ran screaming into the jungle. Only then did the head guide speak up. "When drums stop, bad sign - next come bagpipe solo".

Fergus sees a farmer with his sheep and walking up to him says "if I can guess how many sheep you have will you give me one?". "Sure" says the farmer. "Ok, you have 1,795 sheep" replies Fergus. The stunned farmer lets Fergus take his sheep. "Wait a minute" says the farmer, "if I can guess what you do for living can I have my sheep back?". "Certainly" replies Fergus. "You're a piper, aren't you" smirks the farmer. "That's incredible - how did you know" says Fergus. "Well put my dog down and I'll tell you".

A musician from a symphony orchestra one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped at genie. "Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie. "Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to to bring peace to this land." The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and aah, the kids, aah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish." "Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the a pipe band play in tune, in time, and with musical feeling."The genie thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."

Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day!!!"